Big Bluffer: And the winner is...

Gary Lineker!

90% of the voting went in favour of the BBC's main anchor-man and presenter of 'Match of the Day' with Alan Shearer taking just one vote to finish second.

We called Gary to ask for his reaction and he said "I'm sorry, I'm not available to take your call at the moment as I'm out with the woman I love. However, if your call is of an urgent nature, please call my wife on 07971..."

Thanks to everyone for voting and congratulations to our newly-crowned top pundit, Gary Lineker!

Big Bluffer - The Final Vote

So here we are on the final day of Big Bluffer and only two housemates are left - Gary Lineker and Alan Shearer. Thanks to the discerning opinions of our judges, 19 pundits have been evicted over nine days to leave the two that remain, and it'll soon be time for you to vote for the pundit that you think should be Big Bluffer.

Looking back, it's fair to say that ITV's lack of pedigree was woefully apparent from Day 1. Ally McCoist and Robbie Earle were the first to go, then it was Gabby Logan and Andy Townsend. Terry Venables and Ruud Gullit got the chop on Day 3 and it wasn't until Day 4 that the first BBC head rolled in the form of Ray Stubbs, and even then he was replaced by Adrian Chiles.

After Portman and Emma relieved us of Jim Rosenthal, we were left with only three ITV pundits left. Surely someone from the BBC team had to go? Well indeed they did. Day 5 saw Hekuran boot out Marcel Desailly and Leonardo but on Day 6, Anna reduced the ITV contingent to just one by closing the door on Steve Rider and Stuart Pearce.

I had the chance to redress the balance on Day 7 by removing Lee Dixon and Adrian Chiles (it was for their own good) and on Day 8, ITV finally surrendered to the cutting blade of Smart as Sam Allardyce left a BBC-only final four in the house. Alan Hansen went too and that left Lineker, O'Neill, Strachan and Shearer quaking in their boots, wondering who'd make it to the end.

Yesterday on Day 9, Kedge put us out of our misery by evicting Gordon Strachan and Martin O'Neill and that means we finally have a choice to make. Who will win Big Bluffer - Gary Lineker or Alan Shearer?

To decide the winner, I invite you all to vote for the one you think should win. Please try not to fix the result by voting from your home PC, work PC, friend's PC and so on - this is something which has taken literally minutes to put together and relies on the sort of scientific precision which frankly you'll never understand.

You have until 4pm on Tuesday 11th July to cast your vote and the winner will be announced here as soon as possible thereafter. Thanks everyone for your participation... now let's find ourselves a winner!

VOTING ON THIS POLL HAS NOW CLOSED.

Big Bluffer : The Penultimate Day

by Kedge

I shall relish and cherish this moment. To be asked to adjudicate the penultimate evictees from the Big Bluffer house. An honour indeed! I shall even spell check this report.

So let’s take stock on our remaining presenters.

1. Gary Lineker.
The front man and face (and ears) of the BBC’s football coverage. A national hero, former player, prolific goal scorer (compared to many) and once described as the ultimate goal poacher, (or was it egg boiler?). He also does a lot of work for charity. Currently he is perfecting his own tribute act……… as a Prince of Wales impersonator.

2. Martin O’Neill.
Evidently did play football at school, burst onto the management scene with high flyers Wycombe Wanderers whom he guided from the depths of nowhere to somewhere west of London. Has since been linked with every vacant managers position and indeed has occupied some.

3. Gordon Strachan.
Another former player, spent a lot of this career in the wilderness of the Scottish International side. Was sent to Coventry, for reasons unknown. He has managed almost every team in the land, except the successful ones, and is another whose name is first in the frame when a vacancy occurs.

4. Alan Shearer.
Another footballing hero and national treasure. Despite being a Geordie he is well regarded both by the press and the public. Once unbeatable as part of the SAS (until Chris Sutton sustained a career ending injury and was forced to ply his trade in darkest Glasgow), he made a reputation for himself as another goal poacher, striker extraordinaire, and Olympic freestyle diving champion. Also does a lot for charity and the community.

So! Who is for the chop? One of our heroes? The men that support charity in a big way? The Englishman?, The Irishman? The Scot? Or the Geordie?

I’m sorry, but as a true blue English football lover and a staunch nationalist it has to be Martin and Gordon the singing duo from the sixties.

I’m sure they wouldn’t want to "be in a world without love".

Big Bluffer: Day 8

So finally I get to choose who to ejaculate from the Big Bluffer house. (Thanks for stepping in at short notice yesterday, Chris).

My first choice is the last remaining ITV pundit - Big Ham Salad Rice of Bolton. I often wonder if he is watching the match or looking up Gabby Logan’s skirt, as some of the comments he makes seem to be out of context to the match itself and what the other pundits are saying. Perhaps he is too busy seeing which veteran African player he can sign? Or perhaps he is still miffed that he didn’t get the England job? The FA have told him he didn’t get it, didn’t they..?

Alan Hansen is the next out of the door. Popular as he may be with his cheeky Scotch wit, I find him a bit too smug, and kind of enjoy it when comments are proved to be wrong - often spectacularly so.

I have always had my ‘doubts’ about Hansen, and they were pretty much confirmed about 2 or 3 years ago. I went to see Spurs v Liverpool on the opening day of the season and Naybet had a great game for Spurs. That much was obvious from the applause he was getting – and not just from me. That night I watched the highlights on ‘Match of the Day’, where the Scotch (t)wit decided to slate Naybets performance. In disbelief, I decide to check out the comments and reviews in the morning papers, and low and behold Naybet was man-of-the-match.

Since then I have listened to what he has said waiting for him to put his foot in it. My favourite of this World Cup has to be on the opening day, when he was asked by Gary Lineker who he thought would lift the trophy this year. With great joy and slightly too much smugness, he proceeded to totally write off the Italians …

To top it all, when he talks I keep looking at the scar on his face. I know I shouldn’t, but I cant help it - its mesmerising. It reminds me of the Lee Evans 'Sleeping on a pillow' sketch. How I’d love Hansen to run around the studio screaming “I’VE BEEN SLASHED!!!”

Hansen does have his uses and makes me chuckle. Unfortunately for him, it’s for the wrong reasons.

Be gone – the pair of you. Close the door on the way out.

That leaves us with just FOUR ‘Bluffers’ …

Gary Lineker
Martin O'Neill
Gordon Strachan
Alan Shearer

… and its upto Kedge now to whittle them down to the final two. Choose wisely young Kedge...

Big Bluffer: Day 7

Just to confuse you, it's not Smart's turn to make his choice today (Wednesday), but mine. We can't have you taking things for granted now, can we?

So let's take stock of who we've got left. Only nine remain in the Big Bluffer house. They are:

Lineker; Hansen; O'Neill; Strachan; Shearer; Wright; Dixon, Chiles (BBC)
Allardyce (ITV)

And because I have supreme power over such things, I've decided that today THREE people are to be evicted. Only one remains from the ITV squad, but will Sam Allardyce leave the BBC contingent to fight it out amongst themselves?

Well my first evictee today is Lee Dixon. He's far too quiet, far too boring and not incisive enough with his comments by a long chalk. That's all I have to say where he's concerned. Byzee bye, Dicko.

Next, I'm going for his former Arsenal team mate Ian Wright. Now don't get me wrong - Wrighty's a good larf... well at least he was when he first appeared on the Beeb as a pundit, but now he just seems to sit there... trying not to look bored. If England don't play well, he has a face as long as a kite as if he personally paid them to play better. Passionate about the side he may be, but I'm afraid I have little time for a pundit who lurches between acting like a spoilt kid and acting like a bored one. It's time to go, mate, so just go Wright, Wright, Wright now and shut the door behind you on your way out.

And finally, it's with some regret that I have to tap lightly on the shoulder Adrian Chiles. Yes, I know he's only just come in and if I'm honest he's someone who I personally like a lot... but his slightly miserable persona is probably best suited to the late-night editions of World Cup Match of the Day where it can't do any harm. Don't get me wrong - he's got a very good sense of humour, a dry wit and an excellent knowledge of the game, but for some reason I don't think he has the personality to cut it on prime time telly when people of a happy disposition are watching. Sorry Portman, but at this stage of Big Bluffer, there are no easy decisions as Smart will find out on Thursday...

Play on

by Smart

Incase you hadn't noticed, tonight sees the first of the Semi-Final matches.

"WHAT?!?" I hear you exclaim "They are still playing?!?". Well you're not alone, as I also thought the tournament ended at around 6.40 pm on Saturday.

Apparently not.

Some teams are insisting that they play on and you have to go with the majority dont you? Oh and the Germans, as its their tournament.

Its Germany v Italy tonight and that promises to be a great game. So I expect much tedium, a 0-0 scoreline and penalty shoot-out. And who would bet against those crazy Germans to lose a penalty shoot-out?

Tomorrow pits Portugal against France and, well, after Saturdays fiasco, I shall be hoping the French win that match. Call it sour grapes if you wish, its just that I prefer to see football, not cheating. (Not only that, but I picked France in the office sweepstakes. Money talks.)

On the subject of cheats, have the new FIFA laws made it easier for players to dive and roll around on the floor? FIFA have tried to eliminate certain tackles from the a physical contact game, to which the response seems to more diving and play acting than ever before. The cheats arent being punished, the players making the challenges are.

Who said "Cheats never prosper"? I think it was my Nan, wasnt it?

Ah well, it could be worse. You could be watching the tennis...

Big Bluffer: Day 6

By Smart

Well its not quite my turn just yet as today's evictees have been selected by my wife, Anna.

Steve Rider
It still seems odd seeing him present football. Golf and Athletics, yes, but football? Perhaps he saw Christian Ronaldo and thought he was watching Diving.

Stuart Pearce
Just because.

So another two bite the dust.

Tomorrow is my turn and by looking at who is left, the choices are becoming harder. In a way im glad im picking now and not near the end!

Big Bluffer: Day 5

Well it's all getting a bit hot in the Big Brother house today. Temperatures are up and not just in the jacuzzi where Gaby Logan's absence has been sorely missed.

Nope, it's time for another couple of evictions, so it's over to 'H' (no, not the one from Steps) to wield the axe...

"Easy - Odenke, Leonardo, and if I could, O’Neill.

Odenke & Leonardo - they really have joined the BBC just to ‘improve’ their English and because the TV studios of their respective countries did not want them. What sort of commentators / analysers are they when you do not understand what they mean? Lineker will not always be there to correct them. Does Leonardo have a first name?

O’Neill - just because he thinks that he knows everything. I just don’t like him. I would have voted him out as my first choice, but at least I can understand him - just about."

Well I'm afraid we can only evict two pundits today, so Martin O'Neill stays in the Big Bluffer house by the skin of his teeth. As for Desailly and Leonardo, they're out, and suddenly the BBC contingent are starting to look a little decimated.

Who will be next to be shown the door? Will Alan Hansen and Gary Lineker finally get it on in the bedroom? And will Steve Rider's drugs finally wear off?

Join us tomorrow for the next thrilling installment of Big Bluffer...

Big Bluffer - Day 4

Written by Portman and Emma

"Our first nomination (and the first for the BBC) is Ray ‘Stubbsy’ Stubbs. To us he just seems to be lacking charisma and looking at his official photo on the BBC website, should in fact feel more at home in a dodgy episode of the Hammer House of Horror. He must be what Linny sees in the mirror, his complete opposite!


Embarassing Stubbs publicity photo on the BBC website

However, staying in the tradition of Big Brother, we would actually like to see the ejection of Stubbsy (due to breaking the Big Bluffer rule stating that you must not be undead), and vote to bring in Adrian Chiles. Adrian is third in the list of ‘meet the BBC team’, so we feel that he has been neglected. Also, he looks like he has been separated at birth from Stubbsy, which is probably where all of the charisma went!


Adrian Chiles: separated at birth from Stubbsy?

For our next nomination we are going back to ITV and Jim 'Pointy Nose' Rosenthal. When F1 was on the BBC, we quite enjoyed it - the thrill of the race, the crashes, etc. And then for some reason, it appeared on ITV. The races were then broken up for adverts, and for some strange reason ‘Count’ from Sesame Street telling me how great ITV was! Well I eventually found out that it was ‘Pointy Nose’, and after about 2 races gave up watching F1 because he was scaring us. And now I find him everywhere, boxing and now football… is he trying to take over the world?! He should go back to writing ‘London’s Burning’!"

So, two evictions but one new entrant to the Bg Bluffer house in the form of Adrian 'Agreeable Brummie' Chiles. That means we have 13 people left to evict, and they are:

• Lineker (BBC)
• Hansen (BBC)
• O'Neill (BBC)
• Leonardo (BBC)
• Strachan (BBC)
• Shearer (BBC)
• Wright (BBC)
• Dixon (BBC)
• Desailly (BBC)
• Chiles (BBC)
  
• Rider (ITV)
• Allardyce (ITV)
• Pearce (ITV)

Who will face the chop tomorrow? We'll find out soon enough from 'H' who has the dubious honour of wielding the axe on Monday...

Big Bluffer - Day 2

So the Big Bluffer house lost its first two pundits yesterday as Martin voted out Ally McMoist and Robbie Earle, both of whom should be used to getting knocked out in the first round as befits ex-Scotland and Wimbledon players.

It's my turn to vote today and I'm sorry, but it's more upset for the ITV camp. My first choice for eviction is Gobby Logan, the blonde with a brain for football that I just can't take seriously. I really can't seem to get beyond the fact that she seems to be trying a bit too hard to be pretty. She reminds me of a Barbie doll with her perfectly coiffured hair and her designer clothes and long legs and that plastic permanent smile. Quite frankly, it's bordering on the disturbing. Yes Gabby, you may be smart, you may be friendly and you might even know your stuff when it comes to the beautiful game, but you look completely out of place presenting a footy programme. I don't want you on my TV and that's all there is to it.

And for my second choice, I'm going for Andy Townsend. This man has a stronger association with waffle than the entire Canadian maple syrup industry. When asked to comment on a given subject, he utters very little of any substance or meaning and is purely employed just to kill any silence that might pervade the airwaves. He might have been a good footballer (although even that's open for discussion) but when it comes to punditry, he's about as much use as an ejector seat in a helicopter. The man irritates me and he must go with all speed.

Goodbye Gabby, goodbye Andy. It's time to leave now... I'm handing the eviction baton over to Kedge who I think may be going for a certain Frenchman as his first choice...

Big Bluffer : First evictions

by Smart

Well I can honestly say it didnt take long to decide my first evictees from the 'Big Bluffer' house.

So without further ado, lets see who's bags are packed and heading for home quicker than a Polish footballer leaving Berlin...

Robbie Earle

'Dull' is the first word that springs to mind with Robbie and in the world of presenting, thats a good enough reason to see Robbie on his way 'early doors', as they like to say.




Ally McCoist

A hit with the ladies, which is his first downfall, as I'm a man. Add to that the facts that he is also a) Scottish and b) annoying, and it becomes all too obvious why Ally will be 'as sick as a parrot' that he's heading for home quicker than the Scottish team returning from a World Cup.

I now hand the axe over to Chris Oakley, who's ruthlessness will be revealed tomorrow.

So watch out...

Big Bluffer

Welcome to Big Bluffer.

From now until the end of the World Cup, 20 TV presenters and pundits will be living together in the Big Bluffer house, but day by day they will be ejected if they fail to meet the standards set down by you, the visitors to this blog. The winner of Big Bluffer is the pundit that avoids being voted out due to incompetence, incoherence or annoyance.



And so our 20 familiar faces enter the Big Bluffer house - 10 from the BBC World Cup team and 10 of their ITV counterparts. They are as follows:

Gary 'Loynacre' Lineker (BBC)
BBC's main anchorman. Former Spurs, Barcelona and England striker. Winner of the World Cup Golden Boot in 1986 and stuntman for Walkers Crisps.

Alan 'Terrible Marking' Hansen (BBC)
Liverpool and Scotland stalwart during the 1980's. Known for his severe criticism of bad defending, a subject he knows a lot about as his former teammates will testify.

Martin 'Alexander' O'Neill (BBC)
Former Nottingham Forest and Northern Ireland midfielder. Previously manager at Leicester City and Celtic. Role on TV: "Canny Ulsterman".

Leonardo (BBC)
Played in the Brazilian team that won the 1994 World Cup. Unnaturally good-looking and for that reason out of place on a BBC World Cup panel, but slightly less incoherent than Gordon Strachan.

Ray 'Stubbsy' Stubbs (BBC)
Understudy to The Boy Loynacre on 'Match of the Day'. Once spent five years on the books at Tranmere Rovers before the ultimately more rewarding job of keeping Des Lynam's chair warm on Grandstand came along.

Gordon 'Advertising Hoarding' Strachan (BBC)
British journeyman who played for (amongst others) Manchester United, Aberdeen, Leeds United and Coventry City. Known for being deadpan, blunt and ginger-haired.

Alan 'Super Alan' Shearer (BBC)
Officially regarded as one of FIFA's 100 greatest living footaballers. Top scorer in the Premiership from 1995 to 1997. PFA Player's Player of the Year in 1995 and 1997. Team honours: none.

Ian 'Wright Wright' Wright (BBC)
Arsenal legend and all-time top scorer for the Gunners until Thierry Henry came along. Old friend of Peter Schmeichel. Prone to wearing leather caps and other strange attire, as testified in the TV ad for Privilege Insurance with Joanna Lumley.

Lee 'Diddy' Dixon (BBC)
Member of the legendary Arsenal defensive line under George Graham. Never played in the finals of a major competition despite being a regular for the Gunners. Faced the ultimate humiliation when replaced by Gary Neville in the England line-up.

Marcel 'The Rock' Desailly (BBC)
Real name: Odenke Abbey. Originally born in Ghana, which didn't stop him breaking the record for most appearances in the French national team. Ruud Gullit's favourite centre-back while at Chelsea but ended his career in obscurity following a move to Qatar. Now avoiding a TV career in obscurity after signing for the BBC rather than ITV.

Steve 'Winona' Rider (ITV)
Successor to Des Lynam's throne on BBC's Grandstand programme. Devoid of any personality which thankfully allows viewers to concentrate solely on appropriate sports action. Supports Charlton Athletic. Don't let this influence your voting.

Jim 'Pointy Nose' Rosenthal (ITV)
Sports journalist who, over several years, has presented football, boxing, Formula 1 motor racing and athletics, thus proving he's not overly fussed about what crap he's associated with, as long as it pays well.

Gabby 'Token Female' Logan (ITV)
Daughter of former Leeds United and Wales player Terry Yorath from whom she gets her looks. Former gymnast who reached 8th place in the 1990 Commonwealth Games competition, an achivement overshadowed by her ability to hold down a presenter's job during the World Cup on prime-time TV.

Terry 'Hazell' Venables (ITV)
Former England and Australia manager. Played for QPR, Spurs, Crystal Palace and probably every other team in London. Regularly linked with or actually working for Middlesbrough.

Ally 'Number 3 please, Sue' McCoist (ITV)
Ex-Rangers and Scotland striker, currently one of the team captains on BBC's 'A Question of Sport.' Once played for Sunderland but doesn't like to be reminded of the fact.

Andy 'Tactics Truck' Townsend (ITV)
Former Chelsea and Aston Villa midfielder who captained Republic of Ireland at the 1994 World Cup. Now appears on ITV's Champions League programmes, 'On The Ball', TalkSport radio and anything else that requires a cockney wide-boy to spout waffle endlessly.

Sam 'Big Sam' Allardyce (ITV)
Former Bolton Wanderers player and now Bolton manager. Was hoping to get the England manager's job after Sven leaves, but is still waiting for a call from the F.A. Perhaps they've lost his number.

Stuart 'Psycho' Pearce (ITV)
Archetypal penalty-villain-turned-hero during Euro 96 following dismal end to Italia 90. Fixture in defence under Brian Clough at Nottingham Forest. Ended career at West Ham United as most great players do when they're past it.

Ruud 'Sexy Football' Gullit (ITV)
Hit the heights during Euro '88, giving numerous fine performances for Holland. Went onto play for and manage Chelsea, the latter of which proved to be a serious error of judgement by all concerned.

Robbie 'Duke of' Earle (ITV)
Member of the Wimbledon 'Crazy Gang', renknowned for their long-ball tactics on Centre Court. Failed to develop fruitful international playing career on account of being Jamaican. Oh, and he's got an MBE, you know.

So as our bluffers settle into their new surroundings, they'll no doubt be wary of the fact that tomorrow will see the first two evictions take place. Smart will make his choice and news of who's for the chop will be posted here...