More grapevine grousing...

We start today with news that David Villa is leaving Valencia to join Newcastle United in a £14.5 million deal.

Actually he's not really. That was just a lie, but it's exactly the sort of thing that makes up so many of the transfer rumour and gossip columns seen these days on the web and in your daily newspapers.

The people that purport this utter tosh seem to think that we, the level-headed football fans of this world, can't get enough of it. Needless to say some people can't, but we at SPAOTP show nothing but the utmost contempt for this useless tittle-tattle and prefer to read that old-fashioned stuff which used to be known as 'fact'.

It's a subject we've covered before at Some People Are On The Pitch and needless to say we don't feel the need to go over it all again, but if like us you're constantly wound up by this ever-increasing proliferation of gossip and conjecture, salvation is at hand. The football clubs are getting their own back.

This week we received news that PFC Kuruvchi from Uzbekistan were proudly announcing the capture of none other than Barcelona's Samuel Eto'o. Their website said (in broken English):

"In addition, invited and signed contract with Cameroonian forward Samuel Eto'o from Barcelona. Striker will arrive in Tashkent on July 17th and will play in the second half of championship of Uzbekistan."

Quite a scoop, you're probably thinking, but don't get scratching your head too much. The story was quickly dismissed by a Barcelona spokesman who was keen to tell reporters "I don't think it's very likely."

The PFC Kuruvchi website has also now changed its proclamation to say that Eto'o has been invited to undertake contract negotiations, but that's all by the by now. The deed, it seems, has been done: lazy journalists from all over the world were momentarily led to believe that a big star name was about to sign for an unlikely club, and they fell for it.

We think this is nothing short of wonderful. What a glorious way of showing how the rumour-mongers and tuppeny-ha'penny fantasists can be beaten at their own game. If it were up to us, we'd encourage even more of these spoof announcements so that every bit of rubbishy transfer gossip doing the rounds is rendered completely worthless.

PFC Kuruvchi - we salute you. Your place in football folklore is now assured.

Lies, lies and more damned lies...

There's this fella I know - early thirties, West Ham supporter (not that that's relevant). Seems like he knows a lot about football and he does, but there's one curious thing about him. He does like to dwell in the world of football gossip.

Luckily for him, he has plenty of sources to plunder when satiating his daily appetite for lightweight speculation. One website for West Ham fans he visits is chock-full of people posting messages like: "I have it on good authority that West Ham will next week sign [insert player name here]..."

This is usually backed up with a following sentence that claims the aforementioned player was seen in a pub situated within a 25-mile radius of the stadium or was spotted playing golf at a club in the same week as the manager was sighted there.

But for him and others like him, there are alternative options for further supplies of inane speculation, namely British tabloid newspapers. If The Sun says Hartlepool United are about to buy Cristiano Ronaldo for £75 million, then who's to argue?

But in the UK we've been used to seeing that kind of insubstantial tittle-tattle for decades so why get so irritated about it?

Well it seems that even the most austere and reliable of news services are also now pandering to the fantasists by devoting part of their output to this so-called 'insider knowledge'. I speak mainly of the BBC, for they also now have a special section of their website and digital text pages devoted to the deluded, the dreamer and the gossip-monger alike.

All of which leads me to think that it's a sad day when supposedly trustworthy news organisations apply such a high profile to material which anyone could write. Go on, have a go yourself right now. It's very easy. First, choose a football team. Now choose a well-known player. Finally, choose a popular location for people to meet socially. All you need to do now is link them together in a sentence or two which infers you know something that others might want to hear.

Here's my effort:

I can confirm that Arsenal are about to sign Andriy Shevchenko. My best mate's wife saw him waiting at a bus stop in North London. Expect to hear an announcement from Arsenal soon…

That's all it takes to create football gossip. Do you believe what I've just written? No? No, I didn't think you would. Unfortunately there are thousands of people who probably do, and that's why they need to be treated with nothing but disdain. There's no point speculating about untruths, and if any news service is worth its salt it won't report them either. So stick to the facts, lads. You'll earn a lot more respect if you do.