* URGENT PRODUCT RECALL *

Trading Standard Officers have ordered the urgent recall of a defective product found to be faulty and dangerous.

Over the Christmas and New Year period, tests proved the components in the product called “Chelsea FC” would fall apart when placed under the smallest amount of pressure.

Consumers first experienced problems last year, when it was noted the product failed to work properly in Europe. Complaints were made about it malfunctioning and then emitting a continuous whining noise – usually in Portuguese.

At the time the complaints were ignored. But when the product started falling apart in Britain over Christmas, the Trading Standards Authority took action.

A spokesman warned: “We particularly want to stress to parents that, with Chelsea FC, there is a genuine risk of choking that may end in tears come May."

Despite assurances from the company behind the product that action was taken to correct the faulty parts, including abandoning the use of the highly unpredictable and sub-standard component "Robert Huth" malfunctions have continued. Consumers have been urged to check the small print carefully for the words "this product may contain traces of Shevchenko". If that is the case buyers of the product are urged to put it back in its box and return immediately. "Shevchenko" has been known to cause a severe allergic reaction in many consumers, causing them to shout involuntarily “You useless Ukrainian t**t and “For f*** sake bring back Carlton Cole."